THE MOM ROLE
I think this is a barrier we put on ourselves that keeps us from thinking we should be looking or that there really is a solution.
And that is that this is our role. This is our number one responsibility and priority. We can’t stop. This just gives us kind of an excuse or justification.
Sure I feel this way because I’m a Mom, and I’m needed and wanted all the time…
the second I think I can breathe, someone is calling me, someone wants to show me something, someone wants to randomly scream...
We can’t get out of it. We can’t get rid of it. Some of us can’t even get a break.
We think it’s just our role to sacrifice and do everything and handle everything and prepare everything and know everything and be everything!
And we feel guilt every night that we don't accomplish every single one of those things.
We expect to be all of this when we’re not even in our bodies. We expect so much of ourselves when we’re not even grounded and connected to what is going on to allow us to be all of these things.
It’s like yeah, I have 4 kids and I got 4 hours of sleep…of course I feel this way and well I hope it gets better.
So we settle for this role because you are doing your best. You’re literally doing everything you can. But your best is just totally limited by the capacity of your nervous system.
And this adds to the feeling. You know you could do better.
Like I didn’t like myself. I didn’t like always being in a bad mood. I didn’t like feeling miserable. I didn’t like feeling like I didn’t understand myself or know myself anymore. Or why I couldn’t stop feeling all of this.
I felt like I didn’t want to be around my kids because I didn’t want them knowing me like that!
Your potential is in all the moments you continue to let pass by, because you don’t know what to do. And not by choice or intention. But because you weren’t taught.
Your body knows something different, your body thinks it’s protecting you, but you lack the connection that is the only way to solve this division.
I want to just once more emphasize the power of your nervous system and how it’s all happening on a body level unconsciously. This is why it’s so important that we know and do something about it. It won’t matter how many times, if you say I love you all day long. Even if you did everything perfect in their eyes, you bent over backwards and they got everything they ever wanted. You did absolutely nothing to make them upset. You waited on them hand and foot. Like we so often give and give of ourselves thinking we’re doing all that we can and how could this not be enough?
You have to stop doing, because none of it matters, if you’re doing it dysregulated.
We want our kids to feel that they are truly what they are to us. But do you see how our own bodies being dysregulated prevents this from happening. On the body level, on the level that matters more than a memory in their head.
What our system is sending is what becomes the core memory, what will always feel like truth to them. When it’s not. We don’t mean and don’t want our bodies sending these messages. But they do.
We want so many things and I’m telling you the nervous system is the block to every single one. It isn’t about the hardship, or annoyance, or inconvenience, it’s about the way your body can handle it. It’s your capacity.
It’s not about our kids, but our nervous systems make it about them. And we can only change that by being aware of it and taking care of it. So it sends the right messages.
We don’t only want to actually enjoy it. We want them to remember we did! We want them to know what a privilege and and that is our greatest honor to be their Moms.
MAMA TRAUMA
There is so much about becoming a Mom, from our pregnancies, to our births to postpartum. To how we nurture and nourish our bodies and our babies in this significant, but also demanding time right after birth. We don’t have villages anymore and the support we truly need. And this is the first shock to our system.
I don’t feel like any mom comes through without actually A LOT of trauma. It’s a part of life and creation and it’s been happening since the beginning of time, so we just go along and don’t acknowledge the magnitude this transition has on our bodies. We’re not taught to care for our systems until I feel it’s too late and we’re in the place of noticing all the issues.
Trauma is out there defined in many ways. But for moms, it’s undeniable and it’s substantial. It’s what starts diminishing the power of our nervous systems.
Trauma is not an event. It is the impact of the event on your body. And it’s only how your body perceives it.
Trauma is stress without release. It's not just what happened, it's what didn’t happen.
I feel like for moms, there should be a special name for what we go through.
In our lives, it’s more of a slow and gradual effect or it’s all these little traumas that keep piling up.
The journey starts and it doesn’t stop. It doesn’t value rest. It doesn’t allow for breaks or time to catch your bearings. It’s constant, excessive and never ending. And with a dysregulated system it feels like you can never grab a hold of anything to ground you. You don’t even feel like you’re in your body or it’s like a runaway train.
There is no question our bodies eventually burn out. They move into a chronic stress state and get stuck there because you’re doing nothing to help move through what is constantly and consistently happening TO YOU.
It’s easier to just stay there. It actually takes less energy. So see how your body is smart and it adapts. It goes on autopilot. And this is now your normal. But normal does not feel good. Normal is not safe.
You’re stuck in survival mode and our bodies are not meant to stay there. It will cause all kinds of problems because it’s never resting or digesting or recovering or healing.
The other difference with our systems and everyone else who isn’t a parent. Any other human that isn’t 100% responsible for another human. I feel like they can get by. They can really go a lifetime and be ok using their coping mechanisms. And still move through states enough that they don’t get stuck like we do.
It’s normal for your body to respond to threats occasionally. Evolution was being able to protect yourself from a bear when you went into the woods to hunt once a week. But with kids, you can literally have 10 bears coming at you at once, every 5 minutes.
MY BIGGEST FEAR
I was going to miss it! All of it. You want to enjoy every single second of it.
And even though as a human, you know you’re not always going to be in a good mood, you do like to be alone, but in this case, you want to, every single second. You want to because you know it is so limited. And they’re so special. And you’re so blessed and all of the gratefulness and love you feel for them just drives this pretty unreasonable expectation of motherhood and ourselves.
But if we could. We would. We would want to remember every single second as enjoyable. And this is where I will insert what is keeping us from missing most of these moments. Your nervous system.
We so desperately want to be our best. We want to show up for them, we want to be everything for them. If we could. But our bodies can truly make this impossible. And if you don’t know this you spend their whole lives trying to figure it out. And you will miss it.
This was my biggest pain. I hated that I hated it. I didn’t hate IT. I hated how I felt trying to do it. And I hated that I felt like I was always going to be trying.
I also hated that when I was regulated, I had the best of intentions and expectations and vision of what I wanted it to be, what I wanted to be, but I just couldn’t get there. And it does make you feel broken. Because it actually is your body, and you don’t feel in control of any of it. You don’t understand what you’re doing wrong or what you’re not doing right?!
I just felt this immense pressure and heaviness and worry. How was I going to find the answer in time? I didn’t want to go their whole lives and not enjoy this beautiful journey with them.
This is where I was. I needed time to stop so I could find how to make it right. Because I knew in my soul, there was a right. And there had to be a way. My other favorite quote, where there is a will, there is a way!
I didn’t want to settle for any less. I didn’t want to accept this is how it was going to go. I needed the time to find it. Then I needed the time to fix it. And I needed it all to happen when time wasn’t moving, so I didn’t miss any of it.
And that’s the greatest struggle for us. When we’re stuck in our stress state and we need to figure out life, in between life, when it’s not stopping and we’re being told to look in the wrong places.
And I think this was the prayer that I didn’t realize was being answered when the car hit my house. Without it I wouldn’t have gotten here or at least in time! In time to not miss much more before I got the understanding and awareness that is enough to shift so much. To start enjoying more and missing less.
I wouldn’t have recognized in time that everything is about your nervous system. And in anything we’re searching for, we want the answer. We want it now and we want it done and we want to never have to worry about it again. And that is exactly what I found.
It also shouldn’t feel like it’s something we have to get through. It shouldn’t feel like a burden. And I’m not talking about them or the responsibility or the behavior.
Because honestly I think as moms, we all know we can handle it, we do handle it with effed up nervous systems and every symptom that comes along with it. We are super super women especially at this time.
It’s not about all the things that come with being a Mom, it’s that we just want to do all those things while feeling good, and having fun, and savoring our kids, and soaking it all up.
We want to enjoy the visit to the store for the ingredients. We want to enjoy mixing the ingredients together. We want to enjoy the mess. We want to enjoy the time it’s baking. We want the cake and a regulated nervous system to enjoy the damn cake!
MY BIGGEST ROLE
All I want to do for my girls is to help them build a solid, secure, sacred foundation to their inner world. I want it to be all they know. So it is their normal. I want them to never even think to look outside themselves for the answers. I want them to spend their lives LIVING and BEING, freely, but so intentionally, with not one wasted moment, searching. I don’t want them to waste their lives getting back to the place they have right now!
And I truly believe that with your nervous system as the foundation, this is possible. I know the absolute difference now.
Most, if not everyone out there is walking around with coping mechanisms and their nervous system is leading and creating their life. When you don’t know a better way, you don’t think you have any other option for how life can be.
Especially when it comes to how you literally feel and live in your body. We settle for what feels normal, for what’s always been normal and we keep repeating it. And that is your nervous system. Now you know better!
