WHAT YOU CAN DO
I’m going to give you some tangible things you can start doing.
First is, if you haven’t already go to my website, themomspiral.com and download the free Simple Spiral Steps.
Start co-regulating all that you can. Try as much as you can to be intentional. Realize that you have this power of your own regulation to help bring your child back. Understand you are a team. If you stay or work towards connection, that’s what you want. That’s the goal. Not trying to teach or correct or control. Just go back to connection as the core thing that will bring resolution the fastest and in the healthiest way for everyone.
Take a week. Start with a day. Do this every single time you sense dysregulation.
Stop. You stop. I don’t mean try to stop what’s happening for you or your kids. Stop moving.
Take your child’s hand, put it on your heart. Put your hand on their heart. Close your eyes and breath together. You don’t even have to say anything. It’s really best not to say anything. This is all happening within and between your bodies, so let it and use this time to connect to it. Bring your focus to the power of your body. Bring your attention to yourself because that’s what it needs. Show it safety through presence. And together you are doing this by connecting and providing co-regulation.
Wait for a sign. A sigh, a yawn, these are signs of your body’s energy moving back to regulation. Open your eyes. You can hug. You can smile. You can give each other a high five. Thank each other. Thank your body.
You are healing and rewiring your system as you build this foundation in them.
It’s not convenient. It’s not easy. Yes we’d rather be doing something else. But it will transform your life. It will lessen the time spent during these times and also how often they happen.
What matters are these moments. This is really the only time it can happen. You do this now and you won’t do it forever. You are building what they need to eventually and sooner do it on their own. This isn’t just a skill. This is what they will always come back to for safety. They will truly know what safety is in their body and that is the greatest, ultimate gift you can give them.
Figure out what their default state is. What yours is. See how your body usually reacts.
Do you fight? Like yell or argue, or actually use body parts to try and protect yourself or at least have the feeling you want to? Because you may have learned to suppress the energy of actually hitting someone, but all the times you’ve done that and not completed that stress cycle, it got stored in your body.
Do you flee? Do you run away?
I’m a fighter. Ily is a fighter. And Chloe defaults to flight, what we call a Voyager.
I’m going to give an example of what you can do if your child tends to shut down, run away, hides, stops talking, seems like they’re not listening…and this is something you want to work on getting your fighter to be able to do, it’s just harder for them.
You want to find their tears. It’s essentially helping them move their energy in really the most natural way for kids.
With Chloe this is easy and I love it! Easy because she does it easily, but also because it’s easy for me. Usually I don’t seem to be dysregulated with Chloe compared to Ily. And I think it’s because when Ily gets upset, she’s yelling or fighting and that starts dysregulating my system even if I wasn’t before.
It’s easier to want to soothe or hold Chloe and understand a little more than with someone who is like coming at you and being loud. And because she’s a fighter, I get her.
I understand the feeling and energy in her body. I do what she does. But it’s still hard to be on the receiving end.
And it’s crazy because she is so sweet and quiet, but this is again biology and how her instincts come out to protect her. So really notice their state, it may not be what you think.
So a really quick example. We were in Target the other day, and this was just the other day, so this shows how much, or how powerful the awareness piece is, that you’ll constantly be learning and growing and hopefully using it to your advantage.
So Chloe picked up a stuffed dinosaur and carried it the whole time and wanted me to get it. I told her no. She didn’t make a big deal about it, but I was just annoyed and I probably added some mean comments that I really didn’t need to. So on the way home I thought about it…like she’s a kid, she just wanted this cute new dinosaur. And I thought about how I would’ve felt when I was a kid.
When we got home I could’ve just let it go. Like we think why waste more time on something that doesn’t even matter. We didn’t get it, let’s move on.
But I sat down with her and I said I’m sorry for being mean. I was already in a bad mood and I didn’t need to take it out on you. It’s ok to be sad or mad because you wanted the dinosaur. She literally climbed into my lap and started balling. Like for what felt like 10 minutes. She just kept going. So this is where you can see, she may not have even been crying about the dinosaur. Like it really didn’t even seem like it to me, I thought something else was wrong. But this is just it…it was all the stored energy that needed to be released. It could’ve been a week of stuff. So that’s why it’s good to help them find their tears.
It’s also funny to me how quickly they can go from melting down to laughing?
So laughing or trying to make them laugh is a great way to move energy. At bedtime when it just seems it’s one annoyance after another trying to get them to do all the things at this vulnerable transition. I would just start tickling them. And whatever they were doing instantly turns into laughter and they even seem to totally forget about it. It’s just moving the stuck energy. Their bodies know what to do and how to move the energy. Just like the tears, sometimes you have to help them in finding a productive way of moving it.
When they’re young they still have resilient systems. They’re still connected. They haven’t been trained to go into their minds and are able to be in their bodies.
Start to get curious. Observe. Be a detective.
Write everything down that happens in a day.
Do it long enough to see patterns in times, in transitions, in environments.
Keep track of all sensory things.
Look for what’s underneath behavior.
Find the triggers.
Start sharing what you’ve learned about the nervous system here with your kids.
Knowledge leads to awareness. When you can talk about it when everyone is connected and regulated, they’ll be able to at least understand more when it’s happening.
Point out it…looks like your body feels unsafe. Does it feel unsafe?
Start bringing attention to their body. Their sensations.
This will also let them know before what it feels like when their energy is building up.
Be the safe space. Your goal is to be a container where your child feels safe and comfortable releasing their energy. The only thing you have to do is be present. You don’t have to talk. Like I said before it can be best not to. Don’t judge or assume or try to fix or make it better or easier for them. Let their body do what it needs to. You are there just as the space holder.
I’m simply going to say that nutrition, hydration, sleep, and movement all matter and is a huge piece to regulation. Kids that eat sugar and processed foods, with no rest or quality sleep and are sitting all day on a screen will not have a healthy nervous system.
Restore. This is the most misunderstood and missed step. Restoring is not just doing something fun. These are things that truly bring their body back to baseline.
You want practices in place that aren’t just coping strategies in the moment. Coping is only short-term relief and leaves them more drained, tense and vulnerable to arousal.
Long term habits restore energy. Routines with down time and rest and true calm.
What helps them return to baseline will be different for every child.
Child led play and Connection will ALWAYS help your child return to their baseline.
Combining these, even for 10 minutes a day, will be powerful for your child.
You have to set intentional space and time for restorative activities every day.
When you play or connect it needs to be authentic and child led. No conditions or agenda from you. It is about connection on their terms. What makes them feel most connected to you. Not how you feel. This is not doing crafts or sports.
These are not simply activities that your child enjoys. They should leave your child feeling re-energized and rested when they complete them.
Some activities may leave them feeling drained and tired. Some may work one day and not the next. Keep experimenting until you find what works best. This can take some trial and error to get the balance right.
And lastly I want to mention routine and preparation. This isn’t about structured schedules. But having routines gives them a sense of security. Their bodies know what to expect or at least aren’t thrown into dysregulation from sudden or constant change.
Give them a heads up before transitions. Tell them you’re leaving the park in 5 minutes, so that’s enough time to swing or do the slide 3 times.
It’s about creating safety as much as you can, when you can for their bodies.
Safety always equals regulation.
