6| PIVOTAL SERIES |1| The Foundation. The Nervous System. The Root Cause

8 part PIVOTAL SERIES
Part 1: The Foundation. The Nervous System. The Root Cause

Listen in as I shine a light on all the places your nervous system shows up in your life and parenting. I'll explain how this is the root cause to everything...which means anything else you're doing is just a band-aid.

If you like a good a-ha moment, I've got plenty! Different perspectives. New concepts. Validation for how you feel and why. 

It will change how you see everything and just the awareness piece will shift so much in your life, right now.​

Your Nervous System is the root cause to any issue 

The one and only thing you need to do

The foundational piece you have to know to be able to change anything

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PIVOTAL SERIES
The LAST + ONLY thing you need to know about parenting!
8 part audio series. Listen in as I shine a light on all the places your nervous system shows up in your life and parenting.

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Transcript

FOUNDATIONAL
  ROOT CAUSE 
NERVOUS SYSTEM

I’m going to start by saying…You’re not a bad parent, or a broken human. 

Nothing is wrong with you! And that’s what’s so sad, we’re actually made to think and feel so much of this about ourselves because we weren’t taught about our own bodies. 

Just so you know your body is actually doing exactly what it’s supposed to do. 

So your kid is not bad. You both have bodies. You were just put in it, with no instructions. And your parents and their parents and here we are trying to parent.

And because you’re here you’re probably trying so hard to do it differently. But we are still so wrongly misled and directed. And it seems like we’re doing everything, but we’re not doing the one and only thing we need to do!

I’m here to tell you there is another way. I’m going to tell you a different story. A story with a very enjoyable journey and a happy ending. And yes it has an end. It has an end because you will be empowered. You will have the permanent solution and you’ll never have to look outside yourself ever again! You will know your body and you will know what to do. Same for your kids. 

This is how you break the cycle. You can’t give them what you don’t have. This is how you empower them…so they can go through their lives without coping mechanisms, and blocks, and basically your stuff. 

It’s disappointing and really confusing that we go our whole lives, that I got this far and went through so much to find…there is one answer and I had it, I had the tools the entire time, but we’re just never taught that.

So this is the most important piece. The missing piece. The foundational piece you have to understand, you have to know and you have to connect with, to change anything! 

I say that being a mom is hard because of your nervous system. Being human is hard because of your nervous system, but more specifically because we don’t know how our nervous system works. 

So I’m going to ask the question, Do you know your nervous system’s job?! The answer is…it is to protect you and keep you safe. Number one job is all about safety. 
It is constantly, every second, non-stop scanning for threat or safety. And then its job is to move your body into reaction to get you away or protect you from the threat. Or if you’re safe, to keep you in that connected state. 

Your job is to show it, it’s safe. That is your job. Most of us have no idea we have to be doing this. And we definitely don’t know how. Instead you judge it and question why it doesn’t feel safe (because really a lot of times it’s for unconscious reasons and from our past, so it doesn’t really make sense) You force or try to stop or in some way control it all. And none of that is how you tell your body you are safe. 

You need to be connecting to your body and supporting it and giving it the reassurance that it’s safe. In turn your body will feel good, you’ll be able to respond in necessary ways and experience the world through a connected state. 

So it’s actually SIMPLE. It’s biology. It’s hard because we’re in these bodies, that we truly know nothing about and that we’re just not connected to.And you’re expected to help your children without this as the basis of your parenting?!

The only guidance that matters and that works comes from your child. From their unique nervous system.You have exactly what you need in front of you. You just need to know how to figure it all out and put it together. 

So let’s talk about behavior. All behavior in life…yours, mine, your kids. Is the body’s attempt at regulation. And regulation really just means being safe and connected.

Behavior is not whatever label you want to put on it, to try and fix it, it’s literally your body trying to move you with energy because it feels unsafe. 

We like to look at behavior as this reaction that isn’t ok.You judge yourself by thinking you shouldn’t yell. 

Going back to it’s simple, but it’s not easy. 

Your body has always done this. Your body knows when (blank) happens, you need to fight, which for you comes through your throat as yelling. That’s its first attempt at trying to regulate. Your body at this point knows it’s not going to get any direction from you and defaults quickly to what it knows to do. Because it’s job is to protect you. And because it has been wired over and over. 

Of course you feel out of control, because you try everything, but you still end up yelling. It’s because you’re not doing your job. You’re trying to fix the symptom of yelling. The symptom of a scared nervous system in protection mode. 

You have to get to the root cause. And that is your nervous system. 

Symptoms are all of the things we’re told or think we should be doing. They will never work because they are just band-aids to superficial, short term relief of the symptoms. 

So you’re a symptom chaser without even realizing it. 

The most frustrating piece to this, is you are trying, you’re actually spending time and energy and effort at doing something. It’s so defeating and frustrating, but you’re only on a hamster wheel. 

It’s also like playing the whack-a-mole game because you hit one and then another symptom will eventually pop up or just the same one again and again. 

Until you call it something else. And this is the other trap! As moms we hear, it doesn’t get easier, it’s just different. But my perspective on this now is…root cause. It’s always been and always will be nervous system dysregulation. 

You moved through an age or a stage and now you’re just giving it a new name. For example, we have babies that cry, that turns into whining, that turns into tantrums, that turns into yelling. All of this is body language trying to communicate that they need us because they can’t handle this uncomfortable energy in their bodies and they don’t know what to do with it. Well neither do we because we’re still looking at the symptoms. We are approaching the wrong thing and we’re also not teaching them healthy regulation.  

The other part of behavior that is the most complicated and where we usually find ourselves triggered by our kids is when their behavior wasn’t safe for us as a child. 

It’s like your younger self comes out to try to protect them. To shut down or stop whatever wasn’t ok for you to do. That left you unconnected or unsafe. 

Or even more confusing when you’re trying to do better or differently than you were parented. When you give your child something you didn’t receive, which can actually dysregulate your system because it doesn’t seem safe to it. 

So instead of trying to control behavior, you have to look at the one variable that you have the possibility of real control of, and that is YOUR nervous system. 

And you can only accomplish this when you know your body. 

So let’s change the word control to connected. True control = being regulated, which remember just means connected. 

As humans. We love a label and we love a box. Because we can solve or fix or control what’s in that labeled box. But instead of labeling all the symptoms and putting them in a box. Look at your body as the box and when you understand why those things are in your box, that’s how you can be in real control. 

Look at it like, my body is trying to make sure I’m safe and in the end connected. So in your mind you’re confusing control as connected.  You feel if you can control everything, then you can ensure you’re safe. 

You need to be able to access safety within your body, then in anything outside of you. There is a gap between what your mind thinks you should be doing and what your body wants you to know. This is why you need to be connected to your body, so you’re not completely doing opposite things, that will never get you where you so desperately want to be! 

If you actually think about this...we walk around so fragmented from our bodies. It’s not safe to feel any distress or discomfort because we don’t know what to do with it. So we essentially are just working against ourselves, all of the time. We’re not working with our body to get to that connected place. 

Also a huge piece to this I want to point out. If you’re always just trying to control everything because that’s how you think you accomplish safety. Your life is so limited. 

Even just creating the simple connection back to yourself, your whole world opens and widens. Because it becomes safe to do things or try things or feel things. 

Because you have trust in your body and you are in control of yourself. You’re able to stay regulated when life doesn’t happen exactly as planned. Things outside of you don’t control you. You know how to bring yourself into connection and safety, always. 

And no we can’t control our kids either.

But it is so possible to have more safety in your system when you know your child’s system. Again it’s really about being connected. To ourselves and to each other. We’re not just reacting all over the place and accomplishing nothing for anyone.  When you can know together, know what to do and not to do. It changes everything, about everything! 

So all of this means that you now know the root cause. You know the answer is your nervous system. You have the answer. It is you. You just have to connect back to this innate, natural, intuitive being that you had to adapt against…and this started in childhood. 

Our nervous systems are wired in childhood. This is happening right now for your child. And the good news is you’re never too late. You can rewire (just as you can rewire yours) and you can learn what to do to stop wiring them wrong. And yeah there is a wrong way. I’m not going to sugar coat our responsibility as parents. This is why I’m so passionate about the nervous system and why I need you to know all of this that I’m sharing.

You have the potential to give your child everything, by focusing on this one thing!

The way your nervous system develops comes from the attachment you experienced from your parents. However they physically and emotionally showed up for you and how your body perceived and adapted to that. 

Whatever your normal is. It is normal. Because that’s how your body has always responded. So if chaos was your normal, calm doesn’t feel comfortable. It feels unsafe to your body. And again this is why it’s simple, but not easy. 

Because change, anything new or unknown, can be a threat to your system at first. This is why it takes some time to rewire and heal.

Or you can just think it’s who you are. It’s your personality. 

So healing your nervous system is also about finding your truth again, underneath all of those coping mechanisms and conditioning. I promise transformation really happens when you get to the root cause. 

So just a little more explanation…when we’re babies everything is sensational and we 100% rely on our parents for getting our needs met. Sensations are our body’s language. As babies we knew what to do. We would cry to get help with our pain or discomfort or thirst or hunger. 

You hear a lot about trauma and the nervous system. But not receiving co-regulation as a baby is essentially trauma to their little sensitive systems. Trauma is something that is too much, too soon, too fast for your system to handle on its own and if you don’t receive help in regulating, then you start adapting in other ways for your body to find safety. 

And for long term purposes it’s not healthy because our bodies are designed for co-regulation before it can ever self regulate on its own. This is why it’s critical in childhood because you never really learn self-regulation, you just adapt and learn coping mechanisms. 

This can also show up as the opposite. It’s why life or our selves can be so confusing and where we can feel broken. Say you didn’t get the attention you needed growing up. It will be hard for you to feel safe or trust when people are interested or attentive to your needs. This could be a very hard part of being in a relationship with someone. 

Everything goes back to your nervous system and how you were wired in childhood. Your past shows up in the present way more than you think! 

This is also why it doesn’t matter what any situation looks like to you. It is what is going on internally, externally or from your child’s past that matters. You are not in their body. You do not know how it feels for them. 

Unless you’re approaching your nervous system you’re not going to rewire these protective parts of you. 

So that’s why your nervous system is the answer. It is the root cause. And the foundational understanding of your body is where you start.