10| PIVOTAL SERIES |5| Common Issues

8 part PIVOTAL SERIES
Part 5| Common Issues

Listen in as I shine a light on all the places your nervous system shows up in your life and parenting. I'll explain how this is the root cause to everything...which means anything else you're doing is just a band-aid.

If you like a good a-ha moment, I've got plenty! Different perspectives. New concepts. Validation for how you feel and why. 

It will change how you see everything and just the awareness piece will shift so much in your life, right now.​

Sleep. Play. Potty training. Bedwetting. Picky Eaters. Attention, behavior, sensory challenges

Boredom. Calm. Kids don't know what calm feels like in their body. Quiet is not the same as calm

Why forcing the issues we feel we have to, only make it worse

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PIVOTAL SERIES
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8 part audio series. Listen in as I shine a light on all the places your nervous system shows up in your life and parenting.

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Transcript

COMMON ISSUES

I’m going to go over common issues. I don’t know if it’s because they can be layered as to why they’re happening that we’re not going to the nervous system first, but here I want to shine on a light on these places, so you can decide if it could be what’s happening for you. 

So it sucks because these are the things we happen to feel like we do have to force. Our kids have to go to sleep and eat and drink and go to the bathroom correctly. But forcing is really the cause of what makes it such a huge issue. We end up dysregulating them more, making them feel they’re wrong, to listen to us and not their body, so we add a little trauma to the experience and then their body is going to feel unsafe every time after and since we don’t know that’s why, we just wire it deeper and deeper into their system.

These are things like sleep, play, eating, potty training and bedwetting. And I don’t really want to label behavior, but what can be labeled as autism, ADHD, attention or behavior challenges, anxiety, depression or sensory processing disorders. But in some way they are going to be about nervous system dysregulation. 

It’s really looking at these internal and external and usually hidden triggers. So I’m going to highlight a few of the reasons for each. 

Sleep 

So sleeping if you think about it can be a really scary time…for their body. They’re loosing attachment to you, real proximity, if you’re not sleeping with them. You’re going away and they’re left alone in this vulnerable state to try and sleep. For a body whose only purpose is to protect you. To try and tell your body to close it’s eyes, which is how it will scan for danger is really hard. 

Or if you don’t have a calming routine that is bringing their body into regulation before bed, then they’re in a hyper state and all of a sudden you’re forcing them to go to sleep. Their body doesn’t care about your timeline.

If you have a hard time every night at bedtime, you have to look at the past. You have to understand their body is detecting a threat every night now because of probably the one time it didn’t go right and bedtime is now an unsafe trigger to their body. So you just have to rewire that. 

Play 

There are so many parts to play. One I like to bring up is the aspect of it being hard for us to play or enjoy playing with our kids. This always blew my mind. That’s what I thought would be the best part of having kids, to be a kid again with them. To do all the fun things I loved growing up. It really made me feel bad. It made me sad. And it made me think something was wrong with me, because it truly didn’t make sense. But again it’s not about the mental space, it’s about the body.

Play with others 

I’m talking about how a kid can be playing great on the playground one minute and then hitting a kid the next. So play is a mix of the hyper and connected state, so there is this really fine line between them. And the second your kid feels a threat, they cross it. The real issue is that their system isn’t able to hold much capacity, and it happens quicker and more frequently for these kids. 

You may not realize that positive feelings can be a source of dysregulation too. Excitement can move into a place of dysregulation because it becomes too much for them to integrate. Kids having fun while in balance is different from kids who look like they're having fun, but are actually dysregulated.

Having high energy is normal childhood development, but when there is persistent and consistent hyperactivity it’s usually a sign that a child is stuck.

Independent Play

This has to do with attachment and proximity or in essence feeling safe to either play in general or play alone. Like it’s not like your kid doesn’t know what to do…this is they can’t be open to their imagination or creativity because their body feels unsafe. They can only focus on their body, not feeling comfortable.  

Boredom

This can be a sign your child is dysregulated and it can affect their behavior. They will choose conflict or seek out stimulation within their environment in an attempt to regulate themselves. It’s safer to feel something than nothing for long periods for them.

Or this can be more the sense of calm and stillness. They don’t feel comfortable in this state. It’s not familiar and can feel unsafe.  

The problem is most of our kids don’t even know what calm feels like in their body. They may be used to internal chaos as their normal and their behavior mirrors that.

Another layer to this is when you feel the need to always entertain them. You’ve never given them a chance to be bored. Either because you’re overcompensating from your childhood or it wasn’t safe for you. 

And quiet is not the same as calm. 

They could force themself to be quiet, but inside they’re dysregulated. This leads me to TV or screens. TV has a quieting effect. But it doesn’t promote a state of calm. 

Their body is sitting still while also being activated by what’s on the screen. 

And this is actually clear in their reaction when you turn it off. It is suppressing hyperactivity. 

This is an example of why it’s important to let our kids move if they’re moving. If they do get up from the dinner table, it’s because they’re bodies are telling them to move their energy. Their bodies are doing what they’re supposed to and trying to bring them back into regulation. It’s not that they’re listening to you. They are listening to their body and its need to move.  

Ok and with any of these things…if your kids aren’t connected to their bodies, then it is very easy for them to form sensory issues and fault neuroception, which is when what a sensation means to them becomes less or worse than it really is. And when they’re already dysregulated, this escalates it that much more.

For example, panic attacks. You will associate internal cues with having one. If your hands are tingling, you’d start freaking out because when you had a panic attack before your hands were tingling. So you think you’re going to have one and you actually create it. Faulty correlations around things can lead to negative reactions. 

This is also how chronic pain works, like headaches. Your body is sensing something without you being aware. 

Having issues with the bathroom, if it’s bedwetting or potty training or even just hunger and thirst. It comes down to, they’re not able to feel what is happening in their body. They notice feelings inside, but have no idea what they mean. 

When they’re attuned to their internal state, the more accurately they sense and can take the appropriate action. 

It’s the reason why your child may be completely fine one minute and then screaming they have to go to the bathroom the next. Or when you literally just asked them if they needed to go. They aren’t aware of those sensations until they become urgent.

I’ll give you some examples of what you think are ordinary activities, but can trigger a fear response from a child with sensory challenges.

School:

Transitions, too much chaos in the hallways

Art class, touch aversion or finger painting

Music class, overwhelming noise or movement

Gym, overwhelmingly noisy and chaotic environment, touch aversions to games

Home:

Bath time, could touch aversion to water sensation or temperature

Mealtime, overwhelmingly scents, tastes, textures

Bedtime, touch aversion to being held, rocked or physical affection

Picky eater

In this case their nervous system is over-responding to one or more of the senses involved with eating. Which involves 3 basic senses, texture, smell, and taste. And you can even consider sight and hearing because it’s what’s going on while eating. It's any of the senses that create a very uncomfortable eating experience. So their system is being dysregulated every time they eat. 

It could really be about that specific food, but not what you think. Your kid could like raw broccoli, but not steamed because it’s about the texture for them.  

So when it comes to our kids and what we think are just common issues. It’s really about taking the time to be a detective and to be curious about all the possible reasons. 

This is a part of the foundational work of understanding all the sensory parts that stem from the nervous system.